dcmbrflwr

There is something about moving on that is a little sad.

I don't want to type much more about it, but I felt like I needed to put that somewhere where people might read it (maybe two people?)

So anyway, I am pretty bummed out by September's arrival. I started to write a song about it, but then got frustrated half-way through...

"September's never been so fucking cold in this town
and never have I ever wanted so badly out"

Yeah, that's all I've got. So many people are gone that I wish were here. Andrew, Elena, Nicole, Bhupinder, Allen, Aaron, Gairett, my brother, Stu, Martin, Alex. I miss all of them so much -- probably much more than I should. Using two dashes like that reminds me of English and sitting next to Nicole and that makes me miss you more. (I know you are probably the only one who is going to read this anyway). My mom's started back at work at DP Todd and school is back in and she is telling me all of these things that she did today and I remember seeing Bhu every day in the hallways and sitting with everybody on spare. I know these days are gone, but I just wish I appreciated them more as they were happening. It is a lame thing to say, but you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

I went for two goodbye coffee dates and they were probably the two hardest things I've done in a while. Going with Elena just made me realize how much closer I should have been to her. For a long period of time her and I didn't talk so much and the night at Lor's and the day we went for coffee it was as though we had never skipped a beat. Or, maybe it was as though we skipped a beat but it didn't matter because it was exactly the same, I don't know. Either way, I appreciate her so much. For some reason I still remember her phone number from when we dated like a million years ago, which is weird because I am not really good at phone numbers (or remembering anything, really, for that matter). I remember right before we broke up I was on a band trip (Disneyland maybe?) and I listened to Konstantine by Something Corporate so much and thought of her, and I think we may have discussed relating the song to one another at the time; I could be just crazy and imagining it! Anyway, I have no idea if she still thinks about me when she hears that song, but whenever I hear it, I still think of her. Weird? Maybe, I don't know. But, yeah. I have always felt that sort of connection with her that she would always be there no matter what happened, and that is exactly what happened.

I remember once Bhupinder and I made plans to go to a movie. It was the night before I went to visit my brother in Calgary the first time around and to see Dashboard Confessional. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I ended up ditching him and he and his brother sat and waited for me for a while. I know it's silly to think about the past and things you could have done differently, but I would give anything to be back at that night and go see the movie with Bhu. Coffee with him was one of the best (and at the same time saddest) times I have had in the longest time. He is the best storyteller and the best listener and all around one of the best guys to be around. I will never hear a story quite as consistently hilarious and interesting as anything that came out of Bhu's mouth. Most of the time I generally regarded Bhupinder as a kind of friend that I get together with here and there and have so much fun goofing around and laughing with, but on the coffee date we discussed so many things, and the states of our lives and things. As we were driving home we discussed his family selling the Jimmy and it kind of represented the end of an era to us. As I was getting out of his new car, he said to me "buddy, take care of yourself." And I said "haha, yeah, of course... I'm not going to become an alcoholic or anything" jokingly. He said "No, seriously, man. You just seem so sad that everybody's moving away and I want you to take care of yourself and be happy."

Hurght.

As he drove away he yelled "I love you Jamie!!!" and I don't think I could have yelled "I love you Bhu!" in return loud enough.

There was another coffee date that I wish I went on... Nicole calls me up while I am sleeping (at 2 or 3 in the afternoon -- typical) and asks me to go for coffee that night. Of course, I had to work. I had to work pretty much every night that week and it made me so mad because there was so much I wanted to do with people who were leaving. Anyway, I think in general Nicole calling me and asking me to go for coffee and me not being able to for one reason or another is a microcosm of our relationship. I always seemed to have "work" so to speak. If I could go back, I would take every opportunity to see you and I guarantee you I would've loved every minute of it. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever had the privelege of knowing, and I hope you never forget that because I never will.

Andrew Walker one night drunkenly said to me on MSN... oh wait here is exactly what he said:

andrew: man remember the good old days
andrew: when we hung out every fuv=cking day for like 2 years
jamie: that i do sir
jamie: those days were so good, in fact, that they will henceforth be known only as "the good old days"
andrew: hahhaha they were the shit man omg...
andrew: well it couldnt last forvever but you know what, you will always be my best frined man, fuckin always

Urgh, I love you, dude. I want to drink with you and play games with you and play paintball and talk about girls in my grandma's basement and do fucking everything so badly, but that will have to wait.

Anyway. Bhu, Elena, Nicole, Andrew... I love you guys. I can't wait to see you sooner than later, and I know only one of you will read this (hi Nicole! :) show this to Elena and Andrew one day if you are feeling bored). As we're all so busy rushing ahead into our new lives, let's not let our old ones slip away. love love love

And that is tonight's emotion poured out into words.

Chris, Tanner and I (as a collective unit) are working on plans about a new band. It is going to be mostly experimental noisecore or something (I am not good with labels, that is Chris's job).

Anyway, it is going to be pretty goofy and silly, and Chris works at the Dollar Store (Your Dollar Store... With More!) and his manager says we can sell our EPs/LPs there so long as they get a bit of the dollars. So after we record a whole bunch of tunes -- honestly we will probably record an album in a day or two -- we are going to burn a whole bunch of copies and then draw get unique CD labels for every CD we burn. That way, everybody who owns a copy of the album will have an entirely unique experience.

Anyway, we are looking into some album art ideas and figured that we'd like someone to professionally take our picture while we are creating music.

quote:

Chris how to be a sattelite says:
we should get a PROFESSIONAL photographer to get us WHILE WE'RE MAKING MSUCI1111
j says:
hahaha oh god
j says:
paul
Chris how to be a sattelite says:
haha that is totally what i was thinking
j says:
he takes such good photos

Anyway. Paul, I know you read my blog as though it is the bible. What do you think? :)

i'll tear these old pages out
as though it'd make a difference
if only to prove that i'd do anything
to make you smile through those nights

those nights when your heart felt
much like mine does now
it's chilling with my feet and
i've nothing to say for myself

i know what it's like to watch yourself drowning
i know how it feels to be denied a smile
me, i've been smiling for no reason
and staying awake throughout the night

just to have to tear these new pages out

“And don’t tell me God works in mysterious ways.” Yossarian continued, hurtling on
over her objection. “There’s nothing so mysterious about it. He’s not working at all. He’s playing. Or else He’s forgotten all about us. That’s the kind of God you people talk about – a country bumpkin, a clumsy, bungling, brainless, conceited, uncouth hayseed. Good God, how much reverence can you have for a Supreme Being who finds it necessary to include such phenomena as phlegm and tooth decay in His divine system of creation? What in the world was running through that warped, evil, scatological mind of His when He robbed old people of the power to control their bowel movements? Why in the world did He ever create pain?” (184)

Yossarian expresses a distaste for the God which is presented by the Christian monopoly over Western religion. This God created pain and terrible things while never giving any good reason for it: “God works in mysterious ways” does not cut it. Yossarian, like many people searching for their spiritual selves, needs something more than a cryptic statement to sate himself. Personally, a God who supposedly loves all of His creations, but will throw them in a huge pit of fire to rot and burn for eternity for not believing His son was His son is not truly so all-loving. Religion aside for the time being, why does pain exist? Of course, pain exists so joy exists. If only joy existed, there would be no feeling of being free from pain, so joy would cease to exist. Without a direct opposite to compare to, we cannot form an idea of what an intangible concept is. Fear to comfort, happiness to sadness, love to hate: if left with only one of side of the spectrum, these concepts would not be comprehensible. Perhaps, then, each person’s understanding of these may be different. A boy born into a rich family who was never exposed to misfortune may never feel as joyful as a starving homeless child would feel after being admitted to a lush hotel by a generous donor. Thus, there is a very personal definition of joy and pain to each and every person alive, a truly exciting idea.

Mark, entirely aware of my desire to be alone, made vexatious comments to me about going to the fire pit; Mark wound up going to the fire pit alone with a black eye.

I strutted through the hallways of the hospital, elated by the news that my leg was not broken; however, as I walked my way out, I saw an elderly old man lying sick in a bed, and realized the frailty of life.

Kezia held the orbicular trinket, which she held since her mother’s passing, in her hand, and the light reflected off of it, lighting in her eye an image of a younger her with hopes and dreams of her future.

There was a lachrymose expression on his face as the parade passed his corner of the street. He had hoped ever so dearly for John McAdams to win, but alas, it was Phil Howard again.

James recounted the myriad ignominious experiences he’d had throughout his life and attempted to forget each, a practice which he later learned was detrimental for his personal growth.


iwillseeyouagain

if i die and go to hell real soon
it will appear to me as this room
if for enternity i'd lay in bed
in my boxers, half stoned
with the pillow under my head

i'd be chatting on the interweb
maggots pray upon the living dead
i had no interest in the things she said
on the phone every day
i'll permanently hit the hay

i called her on the phone
and she touched herself
i laughed myself to sleep

at this rate
i'll be heading for electric chairs
i'm only human with my cross to bear
when she described her underwear
i forgot all the rules
my rabbi taught me in the old school
you're too young to be this empty girl
i'll prepare you for a sick dark world
know that you'll be my downfall
but i call and i call and i call

i don't know what i want

The date did not work out according to plans. I believe the words were, "she doesn't want to hurt your feelings." Zounds. Oddly enough, that did not hurt my feelings as much as I would expect that it would. Those words are pretty much a "no, she does not like you and doesn't respect you enough to think you can handle yourself." Maybe that's reading into it a bit much, but that's what it seems like just below the surface.

I don't really want to give up on this one because it is one of the few times I have actually genuinely felt anything for someone since blah-de-blah. The other two would have been neat but things just have a way of not working out, you know. Hee hee.

Wet grad: I am not the hugest fan of drinking although it is marginally fun for a while, I guess. It's cool to like everybody and enjoy the company of those whom you might not usually.

Whoa it is many days later now and this thing saved itself.

I guess I'll actually post this now.

side-note: so fucking glum

god damn

Today is a special occasion.

Today is the first time I have ever officially asked somebody out on a date.

Possibly it will be the first official date I will ever have.

what

why does poetry suck

huh

Prom was unbelievable :) I don't think I've ever seen so many good-looking people in my life. Well done, DP Todd. It was fun to dance til our hearts' content with pretty much everybody (except Chris :( ). Good food, too. Good food, good people, and good music -- what else could one want? To get to the Ramada, we got a friend of my family's, Keith, to drive us in the car of another friend of our family, Jesse. In we come, rolling up in a Chrysler 300 driven by a self-proclaimed "homeless guy." He was such a fun dude and we gave him and Jesse $50 gift certificates that they can go and have fun with. Seriously, that was awesome. Keith is the best squire ever!

For afterprom, we went to Shaun Fomenoff's, which was really well put together. He had a bunch of older dudes to be security and make sure a bunch of crashers couldn't come in. Also, as soon as we entered they asked us who drove, and then they took Andrew's keys and taped his name to it so they could make sure he wasn't going to drive home drunk -- fucking well done. I was so impressed. I drank for my first time and thought to myself "what have I been doing if not drinking?" which, incidentally, is what Andrea asked me when I told her I didn't drink until then. Which brings me to the next point:

I really missed Andrea.

Once we got to high school we kind of drifted, which happens generally, but last night we talked a whole lot and it reminded me of how awesome she is. Not to mention blazingly gorgeous, but that's beside the point. I dunno, it was cool to see her again. And it was cool to dance suggestively with her again, too. Oh, Jamie, you dawg, you. Anyway, she's moving back in August which will be exciting. I hope Kira moves back, too, because then it will be like an orgy of old pals all over again.

Maybe even a sexual one instead of an orgy of violence that usually goes down with my elementary school pals :\

Going into afterprom I had two sleazy goals:

1. Afterprom lovemaking (perhaps meaningless, perhaps meaningful).
2. Get drunk.

I didn't want to achieve both of these goals, because getting drunk because I didn't get laid is such a slimy thing to do, I think. So anyway, I had two people in mind going into it, one of which was immediately knocked out when I got my head straight. The other, though, remained throughout the night, and I kept pathetically going back to Andrew Walker for advice, who, let me assure you, was in no shape to give advice.

"MAN! Just... just go over there and bring her into that room, and then whip it out!"

A wise man once told me "If you're ugly, your best bet is rape." Hm.

So anyway, I apparently barked up a tree that is unclimbable and realized this pretty early on so I started to drink. I didn't give up, though, and kept persisting, but I realize that I'm not good at the whole "hooking up" thing, as I've never really done it before. I don't know how it's really supposed to go.

==

"sup wanna do it"
"ya"
"ok"

--

"ok see you"
"hey call me"
"nope"

==

Yeah, no. A relationship is clearly much more desirable, but I don't really have time for that shiz right now. But uh, maybe. I dunno. Anyway, I succeeded in getting drunk, I guess. I didn't get stumbly drunk (okay, maybe a little) but I certainly had self control the whole time, which is more than can be said for some other attendees of the party. The following come to mind:

-passing out in a bathtub
-passing out three times trying to get up one set of stairs
-"sitting down"
-"GUYS... ROB... IS PASSED OUT... IN THE BATH TUB."
-stupid idiot vs Bhupinder
-"TIA! STOP CLEANING, ALRIGHT? I'm going to help you!" (okay, this was me, so I guess I lost a little bit of control :) )

I had a heart-to-heart with Jessie Moffat, which cemented the idea in my head that she is a sweetheart.

Maybe even the sweetheart. Lub dat girly :) Also, Tia is freakin' awesome.

Okay... I've been writing far too long. Later, yo's.

Next week is forming up to be a fucking awesome week. I have four days off in a row and I'm buying a four-track analog recorder (records onto cassette tapes) that I'm gonna go apeshit recording demo stuff on, and see if I can get some sort of support going for me, and maybe find out if Andrew Rasmus and some other dudes want to play instruments for me.

In assembling this band, I've realized I'm being a huge asshole about it. I don't want somebody who expects to write or who wants to have a huge creative direction in the band, which is a horrible thing to be asking about. Really, I just want people who are able to play the parts that I've written for my own songs; it's sort of like a The Rocket Summer, or Spill Canvas kind of deal. I just need people to sit in, and it doesn't really even have to be the same people all the time.

For now, at least. I dunno, I feel bad about it, but I've grown to trust very few people musically. Either people are useless or so commanding that nobody else gets a say. (I hope someone sees the irony in this, but it's different -- I'm inviting people into the group with their complete knowledge of my desire for complete control pretty much)

Overall, me = asshole.

Anyway, on to why this upcoming week is so good! For one thing, Julie is not dead! I seriously thought she had gotten into a car crash or something when she didn't show up, but then it turns out she just had to take her trip to Calgary in the night instead of in the morning, as planned. We are hanging out at some point I guess. Although, I take this planmaking with a grain of salt, as stuff is pretty rarely solid with her.

Also, on Tuesday, I'm hanging out with Mandy FIIIIIIINALLY :) Which I'm pretty stoked about, but kind of nervous about (with no reason, really) because of the age difference doodad.

But I mean, all of my friends are generally older than me, but not by this much. Oh well, it will be fun.

Prom! After-prom! Y'har!

roughly sixty days until I can forget pretty much everybody

events

1099 - The First Crusade concluded with a decisive victory in the Battle of Ascalon over Fatimid forces under Al-Afdal Shahanshah.
1914 - World War I - Britain declares war on Austria-Hungary; British Empire countries automatically included.
1992 - Canada, Mexico and the United States announce completion of negotiations for the North American Free Trade Agreement.

births

1962 - Miss Cleo, American psychic
1980 - Matt Thiessen, Canadian-born singer (Reliant K)

deaths
30 BC - Cleopatra (b. 69 BC)
2005 - John Loder, co founder of the anarcho punk band CRASS (b. 1946)

CRASS GUY DIED? AUGH?

i wrote your name and burned it to see the color of the flame,
and it burned out the whole spectrum as if you were everything.
i just burned gold, a normal flame, i am not anything,

all that i remember is the feeling of waking up.
when we were kids you were the sun to which my eyes would not adjust.
when we were kids i was a fountain; you could never drink enough,
then came all the boys who swept you up,
played careless with your heart.
every night there was a new girl sitting beside me in my car.

something dies when you grow older,
but you do the best you can.

i am glad,
so glad
you found a good man.

In Film I am partners with Rob, who, by all accounts, is a fantastic and hilarious dude. For some reason, though, whenever I am around him I feel like he thinks he is keener than me or something. I dunno, maybe it is like self-conscious issues from when I was in grade eight popping up again, thinking that he is too fuckin' keen for me or something (^________________^). We are doing this movie on bicycle safety because it is the project we have to do for leadership, so we may as well hit two birds with one stone.

I sit near Chris and Tanner and Rob and I help them plan their movie, The Supper Kids, and it just sounds so fantastic and fun to me. JAMIE WANTS TO DO THAT SHIT LOLOLOLOLEY

I think the only reason I am not super keen on working with Rob is because we don't really talk a whole lot outside of Film, and I feel as though if I fuck up he'll be mad... at least with Chris, he's used to me being a dumb fuckup (lol get it chris i am an asshole). Chris will just go "ohhh Jamie, you hairy goof" and we will be cool again in two minutes.

But, if I screw up with Rob: he is a hockey player, what if he sends goons after me? Hurgh, I hope not.

I am like on an edgeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee man

don't fuck with me

i will fucking cut your head off

Back in a good mood! I've been listening to The Rocket Summer pretty obsessively over Spring Break... pretty close to being all I listened to, actually. He sings a line that has just like totally flipflopped my songwriting:

"No, this won't be a sad song, there's gonna be claps and singing along."

yo happy music inc, i will tank
oh shit a dragon

In case you're wondering, we got owned.

Music to listen to:
The Rocket Summer - Hello, Good Friend (album)

whaat te fuck is this tihng

huh

Stay. That's what mothers say when their sons and daughters go away, they say stay.
My mother said go.
So I wasn't there the night she fell out of her wheelchair, so frustrated that she amputated her own legs, or rather tried to with a steak knife. Her life leaking out on the white floor blossoming like roses in the snow.
See our relationship was an anthem composed of words like "gotta go". So we went. Sent our regards on postcards from other places we'd been with stories about all the things we'd seen, and that's how it was with you and I; why say good bye when we could still write.
But then it took your hands. We should've practiced our good byes, because then it took your eyes. And I was somewhere, in the middle of nowhere watching the sun rise over a stop sign placed down the centre line of a highway filled with sudden turns for the worse. Running back home 'cause I gotta play nurse.
Gotta figure out which pill aleviates which pain, which part of your brain is being used for a boxing bag as your body became a never ending game of freeze tag, taking place in an empty playground. I was left looking for your limbs in a lost and found, and I couldn't set you free. So we just sat there, our heads bent towards eachother like flowers in the small hours of the morning, while light wandered in like a warning that time is passing and you right along with it, bit by bit every day.
So we just keep talking, and she smiles whenever she remembers something as simple as walking.
And if I could I would write you some way out of this, but my gift is useless. And my mother says no. Write me a poem to make me happy.
So I write.
Move pen move, write me a bedroom where cures make love to our cancers... But my mother just motions toward a bottle full of answers and says "help me go".
And now I know something of how a piano must feel when it looks at the fireplace to see sheet music being used for kindling, smoke signaling the end of some song that I thought it would take too long to learn. I just sit here watching you burn away all those notes I never had a chance to play, to hear the music of what you had to say.
But I count out the pills just to see if I can do it, and I can't even get halfway through it before I turn back into your son and say Stay. I could hook up my heart to your ears, and let my tears be your morphine drip because maybe it's easier to let you slip away than it is to say goodbye.
So I hold my breath. because in the count down to death the question of "why" melts into "when". How much time do we have left, because if I knew what I know now then... move pen move, write me a mountain. Because headstones are not big enough. Stay. My mother says stop, write me a poem to make me happy. So I write this. You are walking, walking away from this, she smiles, and says "gotta go". I know. Goodbye.

quote from Sep. 3rd, 2004|11:43 pm
"Today my brother moved to Vancouver.

Today I watched The Passion of the Christ.

I think I'm turning into a girl. I haven't cried this much in a long time. Is something wrong with me?"


hurgh, hai2u sep 3rd, 2004 all over again

fuck you.

Films to watch:

Lolita (1962)
Dr. Strangelove (1964)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Barry Lyndon (1975)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Rent (2005)
Walk the Line (2005)

Hopefully before Spring Break is over.

props to whoever can see the common link :) (I hope it's obvious >_>)

ps: the common link is no longer common in all of them. I added Rent and Walk the Line.

I have been listening to Young Marble Giants - N.I.T.A. for like a million years, now. The incessant clicking is just so pleasing to my ear drums and cerebellum. I remember, once, in a desire to understand all things music, I read a book on how your mind perceives music. There are little receptors deep in your ear that are tuned to receive only certain frequencies, which I thought was pretty cool; it's like a miniature mixing board right there in your ear (by the way, when you listen to music too loud and for too long, these things literally shatter, so watch out, please).

The sound then moves from these to get processed by your brain. Until it hits your brain, it is just noises and tones that are mangled entangled amongst one another in some sort of chaotic form. When it reaches your brain, it does its best to make sense of what tones are entering your mind by lumping them together based on intervals, forming them into chords, and making the tones all relative to one another. For those of you who are keen, this means that if you tune a guitar down four tones and play a song, it will sound perfectly fine to you. The notes you are hearing are all correct, relative to one another, so your mind thinks nothing of it.

This also insinuates the fact that you can sort of "work out your music muscle." In the classical music world, as more and more complex and strange music began to surface in the 1600s and such, people hated it and didn't even regard it as music since their mind was not used to pulling so many things together -- such strange things, too. Those who composed this complex music were thought of as crazy, but in reality their minds were just more adept than the masses'. I think this draws a lot of parallels with stuff like Converge and, on the other end of the spectrum, a lot of ambient stuff. A lot of this is really abstract and weird, and most people go "where the hell is the music in this?" but it's just because their minds are not developed musically, from mass exposure to more complex music. Listening to Tool makes all music better. Imagine that!

Tool is a whole new story, too. I swear that Maynard is onto something and is just waiting for somebody to discover it. Their song Lateralus is based pretty heavily on Fibbonacci's number, a pattern in which the next element of the list is gotten by adding the previous two numbers up.

e(x) = e(x-1)+ e(x-2)

I think that makes sense. It does to me, at least, and I guess that's all that matters. Anyway, this pattern is evident in many of the structures that marvel us today, such as the pyramids and the Parthenon. I've always thought there is some sort of worldly constant which has relevance in everything in the world, from how many bees are in a beehive to the design of the human body, and I think Fibbonacci's number is pretty close to it. If you're interested in this kind of thing, check out "sacred geometry."

Neat, hey? Maybe it's lame that I'm super into this kind of thing, but I just love learning, I guess... As can be inferred from my last post >_>

Read all that shit, by the way. Open your mind :)

On the creation front, I played with Fruity Loops pretty much all weekend, and am getting reacquainted with my lost lover. I decided that since Martin is moving to Calgary on April 1st (along with my brother -- bai2u two of my very best friends) I should take it upon myself to be self-contained musically. Those two are the only dudes I've ever felt truly comfortable playing tunes with, and since I'll be away from them until at least the summer, I'd best do things on my own. It's hard to find somebody that's willing to just throw their entire future away on the off chance that maybe, just maybe, this will pick up. Essentially, that's what I'm doing and to tell the truth, I'm not scared about it at all.

I've got a backing track done for Daydreams, which includes drums, strings, and piano. I'm going to buy new acoustic strings one of these days (and hopefully my A string will be normal this time around; if not, it's time to say goodbye to my baby :() and record the guitar and vocals. I'll have to get a bass amp from Martin's before he leaves for his job interview on Tuesday, too, to record some bass. I'll link that on here when I finish that up.

My plan is to have enough material written so that I can record a huge portion of a demo CD during Spring Break. Two weeks should be enough, I think. I'm hoping to have at least five good solid songs, as good or better than Daydreams, to put on CDs and send them around. I hope I can get a good vocal sound, too. My mics are made for live usage, but that's okay.

Anyway, it's pretty late and I am almost done my physics so I guess I should go and hit that up. G'nite.